Golf Jokes V

A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.

On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack.The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.

The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.

"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.

"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now."the golfer answers.

"Did you see where yesterday's ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.

"No," says the golfer.

"Oh, I saw it. it bounced off a lamp post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."

"That's terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"

"You want to drop your left shoulder."

A murder has been committed and the police are called to an apartment to investigate. They find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know for sure. Maybe, five, six, seven.....just put me down for a five."

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

"A beggar asks for a handout from a rich man, who says, "You're not going to spend it on drink, are you?"

The beggar says he doesn't drink, so the rich man asks if he'll throw it away in a crap game or playing golf. The beggar says he doesn't gamble or golf, so the rich man invites the beggar home for a meal.

The beggar then asks if the man's wife will be upset to have a guy like him at the table.

"Probably," says the rich man, "but it will be worth it for her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

According to PGA Tour Partners Magazine:

"The bartender at our golf club named a drink 'Lilac Crazy' in honor of one of the members.

"Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did."

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

The man replies, "I found it."